“Go poop in your office bathrooms, everyone. It’s what our feminist foremothers would have wanted. Every woman deserves a poop of her own.”
We all email our friends at work. Every day. Multiple times a day. I think it may be our small way of getting back to those glorious wonder years of school where we got to hang out with our friends five days a week like it was our goddamned job, mostly because, until we turned old enough to want $300 pairs of jeans and a means of our own transportation, it really was our only job.
Anyways, it got me to wondering what men email about. Which made me think that perhaps they have no idea what we email about. Well, gentlemen, here it is. The following are actual excerpts from emails I get from my friends randomly throughout the day. This, is what girls talk about:
“Hour meeting has turned into day meeting. Ate spicy Thai for lunch. Have heart burn and gas.”
“I just looked down to put my head in my hands after a nasty work-related email and noticed that I have a huge glob of crusty toothpaste on my left boob (the top of it, mostly just chest area, work-appropriate … but still, it’s resting on the hump).”
“I had to Google “can females pull their groin?” this morning, I think from showing off cartwheeling. Fact of the day: female groin is called an adductor.”
“If you need some muscle to back you up Kelsey I can pay some homeless men to stare at him.”
And links like this: How To Make An Ewok Hat For Your Cat
(Sidenote: I will actually be trying this; and likely die trying it, too.)
I’d love to see what types of links and stories PGPT readers share with their friends during the daily email catch-ups, so spill ‘em. Treat us like you do your friends at work when you’re in need of looking like you’re seriously working and typing unbelievably fast. When, really, you’re just deciding if it only sounded like Steve farted on Saturday at Megan’s, or if he really farted Saturday at Megan’s, because there was some speculation that there was a smell. Discuss.
To the Honourable Lawmaker and Regulator of Office-Appropriate Food and Beverage Choices and Actions, Esquire.
We, the Union of Diligent Office Workers with Normal, Socially Acceptable Behaviour Patterns, send you this petition to ban the following from offices worldwide:
- Chewing gum at any audible level other than DEAD SILENT
- Regaling co-workers with details of the ~cRaZy~ dream you had last night
- Interrupting people by waving your hand in their face while they have headphones on
- Leaving pee on the toilet seat (Note: Joint proposal, in collaboration with Petition #852C5 – “Petition for Things to Be Banned Everywhere, You Savages”)
- Eating any of the following foods outside of a common area intended for food consumption: Fish, apples, carrots, celery, kettle chips, hard boiled eggs, et al.
- Taking personal phone calls in your open-concept office and whispering at that annoying level where we can hear every other word of your stupidity
- Talking about your family/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend drama to anybody, at any time
- Adding people on an email trail who don’t need to be on the email trail
- Removing people on an email trail who need to be on the email trail
- Eating food from the fridge that you did not put in the fridge
- Complaining constantly about how busy you are because HI, EVERYONE HAS THINGS TO DO. WE ARE AT WORK. THAT IS WHAT WORK IS. ACCUMULATING THINGS TO DO AND THEN FIGURING OUT HOW TO DO THE THINGS IN EXCHANGE FOR LEGAL TENDER.
Easily Irritated Union Representative
Sweet, sweet books. People often see me reading a different one every few weeks and ask me for recommendations. Well, you’re all in luck! It just so happens that I keep a detailed list of every book I read because I am insane. Here is a list of what I read in 2012 and whether or not YOU should read it.
A Clash of Kings – George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords – George R.R. Martin
A Feast for Crows – George R.R. Martin
These are books 2 through 4, respectively, in the series “A Song of Fire and Ice” – the first one being (of course) Game of Thrones. I’ve had to physically stop myself from buying the fifth one, A Dance With Dragons, until it comes out on paperback because, hi, these books are all over 1000 pages. Fuck a hardcover. Read these if you a) really love the Game of Thrones television series and can’t wait to see what happens next and b) you really love reading. You have to invest a serious amount of time and energy into the narrative but gawd DAMMIT it is worth every second.
The Gargoyle – Andrew Davidson
This was an entertaining read. Two souls traveling over different time periods, finding each other again and again. If you don’t believe in that kinda shit, then maybe it isn’t for you. But hey, the main character is a crude atheist and a former porn star who gets badly burned in a car crash. He didn’t believe either. I’m just saying.
Just Kids – Patti Smith
ALL HAIL QUEEN PATTI. This memoir details her early life and subsequent relationship with the renowned photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. If you are drawn to photography, art, New York, the 60s/70s, good music or ALL OF THEM, COMBINED, ALWAYS – then this is a book for you.
Innocent Erendira: And Other Stories – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Gabo is my favourite author, period. He does the most delicious things with language and touches my heart in ways no one else ever has. That is all.
Strange Pilgrims – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire – Suzanne Collins
I wish I had read these books before I saw the movie. They actually weren’t too bad, considering they’re “teen fiction.” Not good enough for me to pick up the third one, but still. I really like dystopian science-fiction,
even ESPECIALLY when it involves children fighting to the death.
The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Classic. I read this back in school but had a whole new appreciation for it upon reading again, decades later. I thoroughly suggest you do the same. (Also, could I be more excited for the movie coming out this Christmas? Leonardo DiCaprio as Gatsby? Jay-Z doing the musical score? SEE YA.)
This Side of Paradise – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Also a classic. I enjoyed this one in a very different way than I did Gatsby. There were some paragraphs I just read over and over. Recommended especially if you’re into the mentalities of post-war generations.
Imagine – Jonah Lehrer
This fucking guy. Okay. So Jonah Lehrer has written more than a few books and contributes regularly to my favourite podcast of all time, Radiolab. So imagine my delight upon realizing he has published a book about ~CrEaTiViTy~ right? The book itself was great, repetitive in some places, but overall it really got me thinking about my own creative process and work environment, blah blah. Super. TURNS OUT… this guy fabricated more than one quote from Bob Dylan in the book. Fabricated, as in, faked. Quotes. From BOB. DYLAN. The book was taken off shelves (I wonder if mine will one day be worth anything??) and resigned from his post at The New Yorker. Not cool, Jonah. You were my hero! How could you do this to me?! Still though, if you feel like you’re in a creative slump, it might be worth reading. If you can find a copy. You can’t borrow mine, sorry.
When She Woke – Hillary Jordan
More dystopian teen science-fiction. Criminals have their entire bodies dyed a certain colour to reflect their crime. This girl gets dyed completely red, from head to toe, for having an abortion (aka “murder” which is funny because SO MANY PLACES ACTUALLY THINK THIS RIGHT NOW, LIKE IN 2013). One of those books you can’t put down, even if you want to. Worth it.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being – Milan Kundera
Amazing. Heart warming. Heartbreaking. Will probably read it again this year.
How Should a Person Be? – Sheila Heti
So good. Almost a painfully relevant book for me at this point in my life. I read this book ignorant to the fact that the narrator (aka the author) and her best friend/muse Margaux ARE REAL PEOPLE WHO EXIST IN LIFE and not only that, they’re from the city I live in. Mind blown. I must stop myself from stalking them on a regular basis. Although I totally read a blog that Margaux contributes to on a regular basis. That’s not stalking, right? If it is… you are all in so much trouble right now.
Bossypants – Tina Fey
I don’t even need to write anything here. Tina is funnier than you will ever be. Deal with it.
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) – Mindy Kaling
Not as good as Tina’s book, but totally worth it.
Nymphs of the Valley – Khalil Gibran
If you’re a fan of The Prophet by Khalil Gibran, I highly recommend you read this as well. It’s short and sweet, but filled with more spirit and soul than probably anything else on my bookshelf.
The Marriage Plot – Jeffrey Eugenides
Author of The Virgin Suicides and Middlesex (both amazing, go read right now) Jeffrey Eugenides is really turning out to be one of my favourites. I really enjoy the way he writes and the way he puts a plot together. This novel deals with love and manic depressive disorder and it is equal parts fascinating and heartbreaking.
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius – Dave Eggers
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Dave Eggers, man. I read McSweeney’s Internet Tendency all the time (McSweeney’s is the publishing house that Dave Eggers founded) and I can’t believe it took me this long to begin diving into his novels. This one, though… shit. This is a memoir of his childhood and adolescence and let’s just put it out there — Dave Eggers had a REALLY fucked up childhood and adolescence. It’s a bit of a tough read, if you’re not used to his style… but it’s gut-wrenching and hilarious and so good.
THAT’S IT! Go! Be merry! Read books! Tell me what you think! (And just for curiosity’s sake, right now I’m reading Black Swan Green by David Mitchell who wrote one of my favourite books of 2010, The Thousand Autums of Jacob de Zoet. I even bought that bitch in hardcover.)
Jealousy: A wretched feeling of insignificance mingled with fear and embarrassment. I hate it. Most of all, I hate the fact that I succumb to it every now and again.
Everybody gets jealous sometimes. It can be simple envy over an advantageous position a friend may have just sort of fallen into, like … winning the lottery (to use an extreme example). However, more often than not (and for women especially) it’s a fixation on somebody else’s appearance and/or their concurrent influence over the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on what you’re into). No matter what kind of jealousy you’re feeling, it sucks. At least for me it does. I get more angry at the fact that I’m feeling this way than upset over what I’m jealous of in the first place. It shakes my self-confidence. It goes against everything I consciously believe in, and it makes me look, and feel, WEAK.
First of all, this brings to light the troubling fact that there is still so much value placed on our gender’s ability to seduce. Better looking women get paid more, both in dollars and in attention. This is a well-documented fact, and something we just have to live with as women (add this to my list of grievances over what our gender is forced to deal with in today’s “equal” age where we still make 75 cents to every dollar a man makes, where CEOs are still 95% male and where the only place for women in any major sports arena is to be dressed as a total slut and waving sparkly balls around like cracked-up idiots for men to look at like total goons … however I digress). And in an era where all you need to do is pick the six selfies out of the 72 you just spent an hour taking in your bathroom, face leaned at just the right angle, hair falling just so, your hip cocked to make your thighs look just a titch “tighter” (and this is before all the REALLY intense chicks process their faces and bodies in Photoshop), our appearance is almost more important than ever when it comes to confidence and validation. Basically, we live in a world where we are now connected to BILLIONS of our competitors for attention – as are the people whose attention we crave – and many of them don’t fight fair.
With the ability to be connected to people (strangers, friends, exes, ALL the people) all of the time, and on various different platforms (Twitter, Facebook etc.), comes the ability to be tempted by people all the time – and to be jealous all the time. Who hasn’t cringed when the person they admire friends or chats with a good-looking girl or guy whose backstory they don’t know? Knowing that the object of your admiration now has 24/7 access to his/her beach pictures, club pictures, all the best shots at the best angles showing the best of them … and knowing that person has seen you barfing for hours, naked, over the side of their bed, all folded over and sweaty at one point? (not that this ever happened to me … .. . okay it totally did, so sue me) It’s hard to not feel that little twinge of panic.
So what do you do when that happens? When you know it’s real and can’t be ignored – you’re jealous of that person. You wish they would just go away forever and leave you in peace. Well, I’m not quite sure what to do, as I still struggle with this problem from time-to-time. I can, however, tell you what NOT to do:
Stalk them. Please, I beg of you, do NOT let yourself get into a creep-mode where all of a sudden you’re Sherlock fucking Holmes and you now know more about their life than the people you work with every single day. This will do nothing but focus your attention on them, make you feel like crap, and worst of all, completely waste your time. No good can come of this. So just stop it. Stop it RIGHT NOW.
Change yourself. Unless this is for the positive and it’s something you want to do for YOU, not something you want to do to be more like the person you think you should be more like, don’t go changing yourself. Imitations are obvious. Being yourself may feel like it’s the worst when you are feeling that lowly low and hating every choice you’ve ever made when it comes to your hair, what you eat and what you do, but I promise you, it’s the best look on you. Much better than that other person’s.
Now, seeing as I’d almost rather barf up razor blades than admit that I get jealous, I usually just keep busy to avoid dealing with it. However, something I’ve found that actually helps me (and hopefully you) after talking to various women about this issue is that you need to:
Recognize that they too get jealous. Let’s say you’re stressing over some girl your boyfriend knows. Well guess what – chances are she wishes she had what you had and can’t imagine that you would ever be jealous of her. And I don’t mean that in a “bitch is gon’ steal your man so you best get on that” way, I mean it in a “take a look at yourself and what you’ve got to be jealous of” kind of way. Consider this – you’ve probably been stalked (see point #1) yourself. Somebody has probably been tempted to be more like YOU. Are you really amazingly good at drawing? Or super funny? Have hair that grows REAL FAST? Get random PDAs from your guy or girl? Somebody has been jealous of that, at some point. Guaranteed. So sit down and pick out three things that are really cool about you and focus on THAT, not on THEM. It’s proven that what we pay attention to comes our way, so if you’re focusing on how awesome you are, and feeling positive about it, good things will come your way and others will also see you like that. If you just focus on how awesome that OTHER person is, then that other person will just take up more and more of your life, and not in a good way – negative thoughts bring negative consequences. So forget them. And if you can’t forget them (if they’re in your circle of friends or a co-worker), stop idolizing them. Because that’s what you’re doing by being so jealous of them. And what you think comes true. That’s the third time I’ve said it now so I hope it’s in your noggin at this point.
Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up when you feel the green-eyed monster looming. We live in an age where jealousy is more rampant than ever, and it’s not necessarily our fault. We are constantly being compared and reviewed and barraged with so many images and profiles of other women and men that it’s practically impossible not to be at one point or another. Just don’t let it consume your life. Recognize it, accept it … and try to move on. Because besides maintaining open lines of communication and trust with the people in your life that you may get jealous over and recognizing that you have lots to be jealous of, too … that is honestly the only thing CAN do. Also always remember that what you think comes true! So think positive! The most beautiful girls are the happy ones, anyways.
Despite the title of this blog, we rarely (re: never) actually post about the act of defecating. And for that, you’re welcome. That being said, I still felt somewhat obligated to post this… just… because:
So there’s that.
Shout outs to the Reformed Whores. You’re doing God’s work, ladies.
Happy New Year.
I’d like to add another resolution to your 2013 self-improvement plan. Ready for it? No more slut-shaming!
Some of you may read this and automatically think: “But wait…. why? Sluts are bad, aren’t they? And shameful! SHAME THEM! SLUTS!!!” And if you did, sit the entire fuck down and let’s have a chat about that. For those of you who thought: “Oh, I don’t slut-shame. I just think it’s REALLY bad when girls, like, just have all this sex with dudes that aren’t even their boyfriends, y’know?” You also need to sit down, right beside that other asshole.
Just to make it clear: slut-shaming is the act of making someone – usually a woman – feel guilty and/or inferior for engaging in sexual behaviour that violates traditional gender expectations. For women, that usually means those who became sexually active at an early age, those who have had multiple partners and those who engage in casual sex. Okay?
Besides the fact that judging other people instead of worrying about yourself makes you a useless asshole who contributes literally nothing to society, here are the two main reasons why slut-shaming is bad:
- It populates victim blaming, which is one of the stupidest fucking concepts that has ever plagued us humans. Victim blaming is exactly what it sounds like: blaming the victim of sexual abuse instead of THE PERSON WHO SEXUALLY ABUSED THEM. It means accusing them of doing something, saying something or wearing something that somehow invited their attacker to come abuse them, thus making it their fault. Let’s make it as clear as possible here: not wearing a short skirt and not having that sixth shot of tequila is not what needs to happen for a woman to avoid being raped. What needs to happen for a woman to avoid being raped is for MEN TO STOP RAPING WOMEN.
- It prevents unity between women, which makes us weaker in a society that is out to divide and conquer. We are constantly being conditioned to fear and judge the sexuality of other women which achieves two very detrimental things: it makes us jealous and competitive towards our fellow women and fuels our own personal insecurity, making us far more susceptible to this type of shit and therefore easier to control.
And just because I want to make it as EASY AS POSSIBLE for you to be a better fucking human being this year, here are some fun and easy ways for you to stop slut-shaming in 2013:
- Do you personally know the woman you’re calling a slut? Is she putting herself in danger? Do you think she may possibly need help? Maybe try talking to her about it. Y’know… like a friend, instead of a passive-aggressive asshole.
- Do you NOT personally know the woman you’re calling a slut? Maybe try shutting up. Everyone has a story. You don’t know hers. She doesn’t know yours. Respect that fact. Go read a book instead.
- Think about your own relationship with sex and intimacy. What does slut-shaming reflect about your own insecurities, your own self-worth, your own experience? Make a pie chart. Followed by a real pie, as a reward for analyzing yourself instead of others.
- Stop using the word slut. Reconsider how you let society effortlessly control you through language. Focus on words that are fucking awesome like “ominous” or “crescendo” or “fuck” instead of words that reinforce this toxic, subtle and stubborn attack against an entire gender.
My friends. I hope you will join us in this crusade and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Here’s to a 2013 free of slut-shame.
While I was out for wings with a friend of mine recently, she told me a story about a camping trip she and her boyfriend had recently gone on with a group of other couples; August Long Weekend, if you give a fuck. The interesting thing about this particular group of couples on this camping trip, was that they were all in different stages: you had your newly-coupled, and you had your “I stopped caring two years ago.” The way my friend, being with her boyfriend for five years, said it as she watched the couples who had clearly been together one year or less – you had your ones versus your fives.
Ones. Oh, to be in the throes of the ones. The stage where you’re actually aware of whether or not you need to shave your legs at any given moment, and you still pervertedly enjoy doing nice things for the other person. You know … because you like them.
Fives. By now you’ve learned exactly what pisses the other person off, and on a good day you actually try to avoid doing that. You’ve tested so many boundaries that you’re legitimately more disgusting around that person than you are alone.
Now, as I’m sure you can imagine, I can’t stop labeling couples as I walk around just living life. For instance, I’ll see a guy shopping with a girl, holding her hand and (here’s the giveaway) smiling. Ones. I’ll turn the corner and see two people who clearly haven’t showered in at least two days silently eating an obscene amount of food in the food court together … fives.
My problem is, I don’t want to become a five, but I don’t want to always stay a one; I think the ideal to get to is a two or a three. Like, you guys can laugh about a poorly (or well, depending on your point of view) timed fart, but details never, EVER have to be given after anything has happened behind closed doors … ever. I won’t wake up to put makeup on before you, but I’ll at least shave my legs if I’m wearing a dress. Comfortable enough to call the other person out on their shit, but still smitten enough to overlook the stupid little things.
Yep. Aim for the middle, people.
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.
That’s right Americans, you’re not the only ones. We get a day off work to celebrate the colonial conquering of land belonging to the indigenous First Nations’ population too. SAY SOMETHING.
Well, sort of. There’s a lot of debate on what Canadian Thanksgiving was originally created to celebrate. Apparently, Lower Canada and Upper Canada used to observe it on different dates to celebrate different things. Even after Canada became one big ole nation, Thanksgiving was celebrated on different dates for different reasons. And then in 1957, the government was all like HEAR YE, MOTHERFUCKERS. Let’s just do this thing on the second Monday of every October, okay?! Okay. And here we are.
Now that I’ve blessed you with that infallible history lesson, here’s a list of things I’m thankful for today:
- Summer being over. The heat is nice, but that humidity can get the entire fuck outta my face. Do you know what it’s like to wake up with a sweat mustache? Because I do.
- The first frantic, feverish, unforgettable stages of infatuation.
- Literally everything that is going on in this music video.
- Air travel. We can fly through the sky, you guys. And a lot of people died trying to make that happen for us. Give thanks.
- Frank Ocean.
- Taking off your bra at the end of the day. Or basically whenever.
- The faces people make when they play instruments.
- Letting go of someone you’ve been holding on to for way too long. (WARNING: RANT COMING. INSTRUCTIONS: DEAL WITH IT.) You cannot change people into who you think they should be. Even if you’re trying to help them turn into a version of themselves you believe they deserve and have the ability to become, that is not your call to make nor your evolution to inspire. Especially not at the cost of your own emotional well being. In the words of one of my wisest friends, you are not virgin soil for their training wheels. And in the words of ME, do not sacrifice your emotional intelligence and waste it on someone who simply needs to develop their own.
- Going pee, when you really need to pee.
- Radiolab podcasts.
- Whiskey. Except for when it makes me emotional.
- The smell of an old book.
- Wrapping your hands around a warm drink on a cold day. And by drink I mean dick. JUST KIDDING. Not kidding though, those things are always warm.
- Going HAM in a fantasy sports league of any type when you have a vagina. I know that both K. and I have experience with this and let me tell you… there is no sweeter satisfaction.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an important date with my 4th bottle of beer and this pot of miso mushroom gravy. What are you thankful for, bruh?