It’s been a while since our last installment of If You Had To, so why not make it a good one. And by “good one” I mean I’m going to ruin your appetite for days.
Here we go!
First of all – your choice doesn’t actually matter because you’re a woman and therefore HAVE NO CHOICES IN LIFE, YOU USELESS WHORE. Second – you’re fat.
That being said, let’s take a good look at this scenario.
My pick is Mel Gibson. Why? Because Mel Gibson used to look like this:
Hot. And we’ve all dated hot assholes before. It’s thrilling. One minute you feel like the luckiest girl in the world, getting to mash your face into his, the next you’re doing the ugly cry in your car at 3am after he drunkenly kicks you out of your place. But you love him because he’s “so spontaneous!”
Mel has been in the limelight since 1979. That hardens a man. Not that there’s any excuse for domestic violence and pure, unabashed misogyny…but it leads me to the thesis of my argument.
Spencer Pratt is only 27 years old. And he’s famous for NOTHING. And he persuaded his “wife” to turn herself into this:
So if that’s what he’s capable of at 27…just imagine what he’ll be like at Mel’s age. Terrifying.
(Plus, his flesh-coloured beard is disgusting.)
Apologies in advance – it’s been a while since our last edition of If You Had To. What can I say…D-List Fatties take a lot out of a girl.
In order to make it up to you (and your vagina, who probably either ran away screaming or tried to fold back up inside of you), I offer this – the Bad Boy edition.
Robert Downey Jr.
My pick is undoubtedly Robert Downey Jr. What other man, in the entire history of the world, has not only gotten way hotter with age but also with a significant drug addiction? I’m not kidding – look it up. Brat Pack Robert? Yeah, he’s aight. At the height of his cocaine and Valium addiction? Meh. And yes, admittedly, maybe I have a penchant for older men…but post-addiction, 44-year-old Robert Downey Jr. is looking sexy as shit.
Don’t get me wrong – James Dean was fine as hell, albeit a bit dumb. But he was apparently both bipolar and bisexual. That’s a few too many bi’s for me.
They say that women begin to let themselves go once married, but in Hollywood there’s an even more disturbing trend appearing. The men get fat once they break up with someone. Case in point, today’s edition of If You Had To.
Fat Jon Gosselin
Fat Kevin Federline
Pro about each: Any of your wild womanly cravings would not only be accepted, they would be encouraged. I think both of these men would even sit through a chick flick if it meant a tub of cookie dough was involved.
Con about each: Both come with crazy baby mammas and multiple children.
Jon has recently been spotted in nothing but Ed Hardy, thus perfecting the “Awkward Dad trying to look cool while dating your college classmates” look. Minus 18 points.
Kevin gets something ridiculous like $40,000 a month from Britney and no real responsibilities outside of just being a dad, which means he probably has a Willy Wonka-like house where everything is edible. You’d probably end up spending the day riding go-karts and the night having sex on a cheeseburger-bed. Bonus 10 points.
Kevin takes the cake (hah) with this one. Ladies?
I’m in a pretty good mood, since I’m still coming down off a weekend of beautiful weather, boozing, eating and resting. So I’ve decided that I won’t assault your senses by making this edition of IYHD a disgusting competiton between two horrible choices. Today it’s a question of choosing one, when you really want both. At the same time. Covered in chocolate.
Vin keeps his hands free for more important things
Tough, right? I think Vin could throw down in the bedroom. But sometimes I feel like he’s got this empty smirk on his face like he’s laughing at an inside joke that nobody else is in on besides himself. This leads me to believe he may have an imaginary friend. He’s Italian though, so that bumps him up in my books automatically, schizophrenia or not. He has also played Dungeons & Dragons for 20 years. I’ll leave that up to you to decide if it’s a pro or a con.
Paul Walker, on the other hand, has eyes that can melt panties but only 3.5 facial expressions. Con: He was raised as a Mormon. Pro: He is no longer practicing. He’s got a degree in marine biology and currently resides in some random town in Oregon. He’s a total surfer dude, which makes me think that he’s humble as hell and would probably rub my body down with organic massage oil while telling me that I have good sexual energy.
BONUS – they’re both Dads. And ohmigawwd do I ever love Dads.
The fabulousity that is Andre J, New York’s most distinct accessory…
Any one – or all three – of these guys:
Now, go pick up your petrified vagina from the corner of the room and take a good hard look at the situation. One the one hand, Andre J can get you in to all the best parties in NYC, help you look fierce as hell, and can probably do things with his hips that even Eric Benet would be jealous of. Then again… getting both a beard rash and lipstick on your inner thighs just ain’t cool. Then you’ve got Guido 1-3 who, combined, would probably last no more than 3 minutes with their manicured pubic hair, hiting you with the “fist pump” and a high pitched “GUUUUYY!!!” during climax. Then again….you would look like a goddess.
Time for another round of If You Had To! If you missed out on the first installment (which was for the ladies), the game goes as follows: we present a horrifying situation in which you must have sex with one of the choices presented and clarify the reasoning for your choice. Remember, a good rationale trumps all. We won’t think any less of you. Unless you choose the one that’s obviously wrong and disgusting, you sick fuck.
Fellas…if you HAD to….
Amy Winehouse and her uncanny ability to make your penis grow legs and run…
Jocelyn Wildenstein, a.k.a the Cat Lady, a.k.a OH MY DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT EVEN HUMAN?? PERHAPS SOME FORM OF MAMMAL? DON’T LOOK IT DIRECTLY IN THE EYES!!
My pick: What ever that thing is up there ^. Amy Winehouse is a crack head and crack heads are just TOO unpredictable. First you’re making out (pressing your lips against what’s left of her teeth) on the couch (cardboard box) and the next thing you know she’s pulling out baby mice, a used tampon and your grade 5 report card from the massive amounts of hair piled on her head. The Cat Lady strikes me as someone with very, very low self esteem which means you could probably control the entire situation and even get away with never calling her again. Plus her body has to be better than Skeletor up there.
Ladies…life often throws us introspective, life-defining questions that force us to look deep within our souls for guidance and answers. Heels or flats? Grey’s Anatomy or Survivor? And my own personal struggle, salad or fries?
I come to you with another one of these mind bending experiences in the form of a game my best friend and I use to combat boredom and judge people we don’t know based on physical appearances – If You Had To. The rules are simple, you must answer truthfully out of the options given, whether it is between two people or a group, who you would sleep with if you had to. There is no “pass” in this game, no “I would slit my wrists instead,” etc. You absolutely must answer one way or the other. You’ll find this game works wonders in college food courts, at sporting events, in the club, or basically in any social situation where you’ve simply got nothing better to do.
My fellow bleeders…if you HAD to…
Rick Rawwws and his tig ole bitties:
T-Pain and his visible stench:
blame the south
My choice? Ricky Ross. I know, I know…you’re horrified. But let me explain. Whereas I’m convinced you can actually see T-Pain’s breath coming outta his mouth (especially with that piss-colour grill) and I’m willing to bet his hair smells like stale Cheetos, Rick Ross would probably fall asleep a few minutes into our simulation of a sex act (i.e., rolling around on the bed trying to find all the necessary parts) so then I could just leave. Plus, if we went out I could stash my lip gloss in his beard and a credit card or two under those moobies*. How is he not a girl’s dream come true?! Exactly.
Elana: Duh, T-Pain. Cuz at least he would buy shawty a drink.
Kelsey: Big fat dude. And I quote a good friend; “I’ve got a good 80 pounds before he thinks I’m overweight!” He would make me a sandwich after. I like that.
Btw, the “good friend” she’s referring to may or may not have been me referring to my boyfriend. I’m just sayin..