“Being chubby is for chumps.”- My New Year’s Resolution. Followed by: “Stop waking up with fake eyelash glue on areas of your face other than your eyelids.” – Don’t ask.
Enter: The Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Why? Because I’ve watched The Biggest Loser and if she can make morbidly-obese people skinny over the course of a television season then she can obviously make me a supermodel in 30 days. Let’s shred!
Fuck, this sucks. The entire workout consists of the most BASIC fucking exercises, which is great because you don’t need any fancy equipment (just a pair of 3lb weights, a living room and a roommate you can sucker into doing it with you). It consists of three circuits that all include cardio, strength and abs. Basic shit here people – like squats, situps and pushups. The bad thing about this workout being so basic is that none of my previous excuses for working out half-assed work anymore:
- “Oh I can’t do this, I don’t have a stability-expander-elliptical-medicine-ball. Sorry. I’ll be over here, by the vending machine.”
- “My advanced-Pilates-plyometrics-cross-trainer said that this version of the Squatting Duck Back Bend Reflexation is actually bad for your femur, so I’m going to sit this one out. It’s just a difference in philosophy, really.”
It’s a push up. You literally lower yourself to the ground and then push back up. All you need is two arms and gravity, bitch.
Have you ever felt both of your ass cheeks with such alarming clarity that you became convinced every step was sure to result in them EXPLODING OUT OF YOUR PANTS?
Ever had issues feeding yourself food like a functioning adult because your arms were shaking to the point you looked like Michael J. Fox trying to do anything? (OH MY GOD, MICHAEL, I’M SORRY, I LOVE YOU, THE JOKE JUST CAME OUT.)
That’s where I’m at right now. A disgusting reminder of how out of shape I really am. Basic exercises that people have been doing since the beginning of time are turning me into a sweaty, wheezing mess in 20 minutes. Oh. Did I fail to mention this workout IS ONLY 20 MINUTES LONG?
I’m on Day 3 (laugh it up). Hopefully by Day 6 or 7 I’ll start to build up some endurance and stop being such a pansy. At least that’s what Jillian tells me. But for now, this is me and Jilly Bean spending our evenings together:
Yours in lard,