In case you didn’t know, the primary point of having a blog is to illustrate to the world how much better you are than them.
Trust me, I’m an expert at this.
A guru, if you will.
I’m really good at the internet, is what I’m saying.
I really don’t have the means (money) to dress the way I want to, so what better way to improve my own self-esteem than dragging down that of others, starting with the horrible things they choose to cover their bodies with.
LIKE THESE
You’re probably thinking: “WTF, that’s like so rude to be making fun of a poor mother of five just trying to walk home after purchasing some affordable athletic wear for her children from Roots, S. Why are you being such a bitch?” And normally I would agree with you, if it wasn’t for the fact that this is actually a chick in her EARLY twenties just trying to be an ironic hipster asshole. These pants are not flattering. On anyone. Look how these pants make her ass cheeks look. I don’t even have a joke about it, JUST LOOK.
Child, why? It is 8:30 in the morning, where are you going looking like this? I guess the better question is where are you coming from? Look at these. I’m pretty sure they were made out of the same plastic as those jelly sandals from your childhood. These bitches have about a 2.5 inch heel on them too, so just a bit taller than a kitten heel, but not nearly tall enough to excuse the audacity of the rest of these things. How you gonna make shoes that are this much of an obnoxious eyesore and then put such a sensible heel on them? Like that could be a selling point… “Manageable 2.5 inch heel ensures safety and comfort while walking long distances, visiting with friends and family, going to church or doing public activities.” At least go all the way with a 4.5 inch stiletto and rock these things with pride like COME AT ME BRO. Little would they know that the long lost art of ancient Roman gladiators has been resurrected with a sexy new twist and you’re the new Slutty Spartacus. This is starting to sound like an Angelina Jolie movie. I’ll stop.
The moral of the story is as such: Wear stupid shit, and there’s a 85% chance that some asshole with an iPhone will be taking a really creepy photo of you for their soapbox blog. You’ve been warned.
S.
